


The Smallest of Coffins are the Heaviest

by tattedkisspers



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Depression, I'm so sorry, Lots of tears, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Suicide, mentions of pills and medications, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-17
Updated: 2015-10-17
Packaged: 2018-04-26 17:40:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,287
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5013889
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tattedkisspers/pseuds/tattedkisspers
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“An angel who fell from heaven in the worst way possible.</p>
<p> </p>
<p>                                                                 An Angel who fell as hard onto earth as I did for him.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Smallest of Coffins are the Heaviest

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so I've written a whole lot of fic prompts but this one stuck to me the most so I had to write it.  
>  I apologize in advance.  
>  -Ronnie

_“A feeling. An unidentified, horrific feeling. Some say its depression; others believe it’s all in my head. A feeling that dissolves when I look at him. I’d like to believe this is a feeling bestowed upon me from my father. That egotistical bastard took his life when I was eight. I didn’t ask to be born into a homophobic world that didn’t accept the fact that I had two fathers. I don’t see a problem with it anyways._

 

_This letter isn’t about him, this letter is about me. Me, myself, and what I always had hoped was I. It was I until twenty-four months ago. I say months as I hate the word years. Years sound like an eternity, whereas months seem somewhat shorter. Twenty-four months ago I met you. Harry Edward Styles, preacher’s son, ‘lothario,’ whatever they called you. A young man who seemed as if he was brain washed by faith and thinks rap music is the song of sinners. A young man who looked clean cut and beautiful, although I still refuse to admit so. Do I wish I did sooner? Of course._

 

_Every day I wish I told you how handsome you looked in that navy blue suit you wore to your sister’s wedding. How precisely you drew my eye, speaking “I know eyes are the weirdest thing a person could draw of another but there’s something about your eyes that is so beautiful, yet lifeless.” The best description a person has ever given me. No doctor, nor psychiatrist could have ever given me a description as accurate. You described every aspect of who I am in one minor sentence._

 

_I wish I told you how well you did on that artwork that you threw away in anger, or how beautifully your hair flowed in the wind under the stars. How every galaxy could never be as beautiful as your eyes. How I was Pluto, sad and lonely with a lot on my mind, and you were the sun, surrounded by beauty and the center of everyone’s attention, as you rightfully should be._

 

_How much it meant to me when you read my favorite six-word poetry. “The smallest coffins are the heaviest” –Anonymous. Ironic. If you’re reading this where I believe you are than a chuckle of irony is approved by me, I won’t hate you for it. Tell them all to laugh too, ease the tension…..you were always the best at that._

 

_This part you don’t have to read, but I would prefer you do, as this is my last fuck you to your father. On the day of my birth, that beautiful Christmas eve, when we made love in the bungalow under the now burnt down tree (tell your dad that was my second to last fuck you) that it may have been the only time that life was true in my eyes. The way your heart felt against mine and the slow feel of the California breeze. It’s a memory I will hold in the locket you gave me that Christmas day._

 

_I want to thank you for flushing those pills when I told you to leave. I want to thank you for holding me when I so badly wanted to throw that goddamn fish sculpture at your fathers head. I want to thank you for smiling for me. Thank you for showing me that not all music has to be sad, but not boring me with stupid main stream crap. Thank you for holding my hand while stepping into that water, I know I pushed you to let go but you still held on._

 

_You don’t have to hold on anymore. You can let go._

 

_Last but not least, I want to thank you for believing in me. For kissing those god awful moods away. For admitting that not everything has to be okay. Thank you, Harry Edward Styles for giving me the best two years I could have ever asked for. Yes, years. I hate the feeling of time being long but I wish I had longer with you._

 

_I’m sorry for yelling at you, and throwing the bottle of pills when you gave them to me. I’m sorry I ripped your artwork of me. I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being a pain and a burden, but I’m glad I got to even be that. Your heart is pure and I’m forever sorry for hurting it. If I could remove all the bandages you placed on me and put your heart back together with them I would. I wish I could fix you like you fixed me, but now I’m just a memory._

 

_Please don’t cry about me. You’ve shed to many tears already._

 

_Thank you Harry, for loving me when I couldn’t love myself. Thank you for holding me when my demons came out to play. Most of all, thank you for loving me. I hope someone can love you the way you loved me._

 

_I love you Harry, I truly, wholeheartedly do._

 

_Lots of love,_

 

_-_ _Lou.”_

 

The earth was scarcely quiet. No sound but the sniffles of a lifeless green eyed boy, broken hearted and standing over the casket of the man he loves. A man who took his own life by doing the one thing he feared. He jumped.

 

Harrys hand shook as his eyes defied him and poured the tears he wish he no longer could shed. As he spoke the last line he felt the mixture of both his and Lou’s tears on the pages. He glanced up to see a crowd, red eyed, and speechless, waiting for a breath of anything. “W-w-w-e lost an a- a um” Harrys words quivered from him as he stared at the casket soon to be lowered into the ground. He pulled his suit up to wipe his eyes and gripped the podium, taking a moment for his tears to dry and his mind to clear.

 

“We lost an angel today” he paused “We lost a beautiful, blue eyed angel who’s heart once sparkled with gold until he seemed to have lost his way. An angel whose presence brought life to a room, but sadness to himself.” He breathed out a long weary breath, staring away from all forms of life and death. “An angel who fell from heaven in the worst way possible. An Angel who fell as hard onto earth as I did for him.” A few tears fell and stained onto the already tear stained podium.

 

“An angel who is now in his rightful place in heaven. Life, finally back into his eyes.” Harry tilted his head up to the sky trying to pry the tears back into his eyes. “I love you Lou” he sadly smiled “You’re finally happy, you’re finally happy” He sniffled and focused his eyes on the crowd. “Thank you” he spoke and walked to his seat next to his mother, toning out the voices around him except for the one in his mind.

 

The voice in his mind that kept repeating the sweet nothings Louis had said when he thought Harry had fell asleep. The voice that quieted when Louis would shout. The voice that spoke every single word his mouth never could. A voice that was Louis.

 

As they left the cemetery, Harry found himself reading over the letter Louis had wrote for him. He had missed the back side of the last page that read:

 

“ _La tristesse que je me sentais à l'intérieur ne pourrait jamais être aussi forte que l' amour que je ressentais pour vous._

 

_Votre ange,_ _-Louis”_

 

 

 

 

_“The sadness I felt inside would never be as strong as the love I felt for you._

 

_Your angel, -Louis”_

 

 

 

 

 


End file.
